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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To Date or Not To Date...That IS the Question

Over the weekend I spent alot of time with family. I have two sisters Amanda who is 5 years older than me and April who is 12 years younger than me. We had our girly chats and got to talking about dating.

Watching my older sister (who is also a single mom) get calls from her "potential" guy had me thinking about my romantic life. Or perhaps the lack thereof. I don't know what is up with me. Most of the time I don't even think about it. Now, I know I put out a couple of videos about dating as a single mother, but I just haven't felt driven to date since the last 2 videos.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I too comfortable? Am I too independent? Am I just in a rut? Why isn't romance really on my brain? Have I waited too long and lost the memories of what it feels like to be in love? Am I going to be single forever? Do I have a vision of a romantic partner?

My sister was asking me why I didn't date. I replied that I felt good focusing on my kids and raising them. I also expressed that I really wanted to create and generate multiple streams of passive income and have a wonderful financial system in place. Besides that, I do have some insecurities with my body. I know it is ridiculous, but it is something that I allow to keep me from saying yes to a date.

So, now I am at a point. Should I just keep doing my thing and work on my business and kids and leave dating out until I am more established? I really don't crave romance, or at least as much as I see others going for it. I feel like it is there whenever I want it, but do I feel worthy of it? Do I feel complete as I am? Or maybe I just haven't met the right guy? I dunno, but I definitely see a lack of romantic drive. Of course, every now and then it sounds good, but those thoughts are not predominant.

My sister seems to think that at this rate I'll be single forever. I don't like the sound of that. I am not sure if that is just social conditioning that makes me think there is something wrong with staying single or if it is a true deep down yearning for companionship.

I don't feel lonely. In fact I feel quite satisfied, but watching others go nuts over romance has me wondering if I am out of the loop. I am not yearning for connection. I feel like I enjoy lots of intimate and satisfying relationships.

What is my deal? Will the craving arise after my kids are grown, I rock my bikini body and I have a very secure financial life? Am I afraid and finding excuses to hide behind? Or have I just come to feel secure in who I am and the relationships that I have already that I feel complete? Or have I not fully accepted myself and until I do that no one will walk into my world?

Hmmm...... so I am at the point....to date or not to date? Why do I bounce between the both of them? Maybe nothing will happen until I make up my mind.

Just sharing some random thoughts. Share yours if you feel inclined. :)


Eric said...

It sounds like you are happy with your life and happy with your relationships. I don't see a reason that you would need to add dating into the mix.

I'm not saying to not date, I'm just saying that you don't really need to worry about the question. You seem to have everything you need right now, just because other people are going nuts about romance doesn't mean you need to.

If you meet someone you want to date and include in your life you'll know and you can handle that situation when it arises. There's no need to go out looking for something when it seems like you are happy with what you have.

CAlex6977 said...

I am in the exact same mode -the children. Im 32 and single. My family wonders why I am not dating. Im really secure working on my own financial situation and examining my own life. I dont feel drawn to dating like I was in my 20s. I know that I would really enjoy someone who shared my views and wanted to spend time together. I just feel more drawn to do other things right now. Im always hoping someone just drops into my life. Do you have any plans to parachute into Henderson NV?
I think Steve Pavlina wrote an article about not waiting till everything is perfect to be happy. I enjoyed your thoughts.

Jeff Pack said...

Quickly, quote-unquote dating today is a dirty word and really, it shouldn't be. Try looking at it this way, see it as going out and meeting and experiencing new people and situations. You seem an adventurous soul, express that by taking some time to find new people and see what they have to offer your life and journey. If that is the ONLY expectation you have in "dating," it is very difficult to be let down and puts less pressure on you to "perform" or "impress." Life is about experiences and connecting on a human level, love and dating should be as well.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps in the past you have looked for fulfillment and love but were left empty and wounded. You are in a place where you are seeking and deep down know you won't find it all in a relationship.

I did not date. I was 27 years old, happy committed to living a life that would not settle. I waiting ... and I waited. I found that dating left me feeling like I was an item to be picked if I was good enough. I wanted a relationship that was fun, exciting but most of all spiritual. Finally one day I meet a man who was right for me. Not perfect but right. I was busy doing what I loved and he came into my world.

All the things from my youth that would have been a big deal now seemed shallow. It is the spirit that you grow old with.

Lori ... I believe there is the right guy for you. I seems that in this season you know your kids need you more than anything. We all know it goes too fast. If I may be so bold ... just keep learning and living and the right one will find you in time. :)

Rich Bush said...

Being in a similar boat, I’ll do my best to put on my objective hat on. It seems to me that the questions you ask and the fact you ask them are healthy signs. Of course some of the questions only you can answer. The thing you must address HONESTLY is – Are the things in your life being used as an excuse to not meet someone or allow yourself to get close with someone? I believe that if you meet the right person romance will come second nature, and worrying about romance not being “on the brain” is unnecessary. I’d say keep doing what you’re doing the chances of you finding someone with your interests’ only increases. Just keep yourself open to the possibilities of dating, and definitely do not say “no” based on your body image. And don’t put so much pressure on yourself to “date.” Jeff Pack said it well earlier, “Life is about experiences and connecting on a human level, love and dating should be as well.” And one more thing, everyone’s worth it!!

Lori Painter said...

Thank you everyone! I KNOW my kids need me now and I LOVE that I am able to be there for them. I do know someday they will be on their own and I don't want to feel like I was out spending my time with a man and perhaps spending less time with them, although I know a healthy balance is possible. I am happy to be raising my kids at this time.

After this post I felt so reassured that I am right where I need to be. I only get messed up if I compare myself to where others are.

About my body image I know this has been a long challenge for me. I NEED to get over it and live my life. Sometimes I see it and it feels ridiculous that I would even complain or feel a lack. Time to keep my eyes pointed on what I do have rather than what I do not.

Thanks for the love and for your thoughts and concerns. I feel good! :)

Derek said...

Lori, I think a woman like you will find someone without thinking about it or looking for it.

You are naturally just such a great person that I think looking for someone with the same morals and great qualities as you will almost be impossible but I bet you will stumble upon someone with equal greatness (which you deserve) through the many great things you do in your life.

If I was single and living in CA I know I would be trying to convince you to date me as I think you are a true rarity.

One final thought is that your reason of focusing on your children and finances are applaudable but the body thing is a joke because you are simply beautiful not only outside but inside as well.

Lori Painter said...

Derek- Thank you. Your words are so kind. :)

Max Mosesman said...

You posted this on my birthday.

It's scary and exciting when I find people like you... it's like I'm connecting with my future self... sounds weird, but I know it's true...