How to Break the Pattern of Bad Relationships

Q:
Hey Lori,
I got a chance to check out your website and I really resonated with it since you have been through plenty of bad relationships yourself. I was wondering if you could help me heal from all the baggage it left. I just don't want to be the old me anymore and want to stop living in my story. It seems whenever someone gets close to me it starts getting ugly hence the reason why I have been staying to myself lately, but I do like being social and eventually want a healthy sound relationship. Every time I try it seems like I am stuck talking about my ex's big no no. I don't know how to gain closure over all this mess.

This led me to the raw food lifestyle and have been embracing it well, but then I splurge every now and then and don't like being addicted to cooked foods anymore either. I feel like a complete mess and need to get it all together so I can take my board exam for medical school soon. Yikes!! today I just heard my past reiterated from a male who was trying to get to know me and well it led to an emotionally messy me and then I went back down the spiral not eating well and not being able to sleep. Can you help?

A:
When the going gets tough, you fall off your raw food regimen. This is a situation where you are emotionally shutting out what you are experiencing through food. Raw foods actually clear pathways and what you feel is more intense. When you are raw you are alert and clear headed. Emotional eating tells me you are holding back from healing. Your heart wants to heal, but your head is stuck on the past rather than the vision you hold for yourself. The past has no power so stop giving your power to it.

Talking about your ex's "big no no" tells me that you are BLAMING others and you haven't gotten over it. Take the pain you experienced in relationships and turn it inward so that you could learn to make finer distinctions in your relationships. Take full RESPONSIBILITY for where you are and what happened because YOU allowed it to happen. Nobody can do anything to you, playing the victim role only harms you and does not serve you.

I can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to talk about. If they are complaining to me about someone else I know they are deflecting the energy from their inner core and trying to project it elsewhere. They are looking outside of themselves. What they want is validation. You do not need the world to say, "Oh, look at you...you poor thing. How could anybody do this to you?" That is not what you really want.

If there is anyway I can help you heal from your baggage and gain closure it is to FORGIVE yourself. You are here to grow and learn. We are supposed to make mistakes because with each one we get a bit better. ALLOW yourself to explore and grow. You need to feel your VALUE as a person.

In this life we are faced with reflections of our internal state by our relationships, our finances, our career, our home. How do those look to you? If they look a mess it's probably because you feel a mess internally. Remember that everything in life you are complaining about you are guilty of yourself. When you want to complain go inward and take actions to improve yourself. Start acting like the person you wish to be and soon you will be that person. Treat yourself the way you wished others treated you and soon your self RESPECT will flourish and you will find yourself around others who respect you as well. How do you expect anyone to truly love and respect you if you can't even love, respect, and accept yourself?

You serve no one in beating yourself up. If you want to be loved...love yourself. Do all the things you want someone else to do for you and do them for yourself. Your love will illuminate and you will have that spark within you. Soon you'll be surrounded with people who love you because the outer physical world is just a mere reflection of your internal state. I commend you on your raw food journey! You are on track! Keep eating raw foods as you go through this sticky "mess". Feel it, experience it, grow from it, and move forward into that "new you" you say you want to be.

Recommendations
Book: The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book
Blog Article: You are Worthy of Love